Inconceivable
by C3L35714
Summary: Hey, there. Nova speaking. As it turns out, there are a whole lot of things I'm not strictly allowed to do while living in Peter Parker's Home For Superheroes. And that's a real shame.


**_inspired_ _by_ _the_ _original_ _Skippy's_ _List!_**

**_title_ _inspired_ _by The Princess Bride!_**

**_italics = strikethrough_**

* * *

I, Sam Alexander, alias Nova, the undersigned, do hereby agree to abide by the following list of rules and regulations to the best of my ability, and understand that I am...

1\. not allowed to fly indoors

a. even if _Aunt_ _May_ _Mrs_. _Parker_ Aunt May is not present

2\. not allowed to wear shoes inside

3\. not allowed to cook after everyone is asleep

a. must not cook between the hours of one o'clock and three o'clock in the morning

4\. not allowed to use my powers to light the stove

a. or birthday candles, because taking the time to find a lighter is better than getting soaked by the sprinklers again

b. or the fireplace

c. or anything that doesn't belong to me

d. even in the name of science

5\. not allowed to hide Ironfist's meditation candles because they make me sneeze. White Tiger will find them and she will make me regret it

6\. not allowed to pretend to be electrocuted whenever i touch a power outlet

7\. not allowed to touch a power outlet with anything that doesn't belong in a power outlet

8\. not allowed to ask Ironfist to predict the weather through the mystic arts of meteorology

a. even if i use the word "meteorology" correctly

9\. not allowed to touch, wear, or alter Powerman's shoe collection. seriously, don't do it

10\. not allowed to play more than three hours of video games at a time because that's hogging the tv

a. exception: unless Parker is playing too

11\. not allowed to bribe White Tiger into doing my homework

12\. not allowed to pretend to be illiterate so White Tiger does my homework in frustration

13\. not allowed to wear the same shirt for more than three days in a row out of respect for White Tiger's sensitive and advanced sense of smell

14\. not allowed to wear anyone else's clothes without express permission

a. must be express permission from the actual owner of said clothes

15\. not allowed to ask Parker if he's so pale because he does no sports at the dinner table. this is a rude dinner table conversational topic

a. it is insensitive and inappropriate. it also disregards hours of daily parkour and aracnobatics from skyscrapers

16\. not allowed to talk about Principal Agent Coulson in Aunt May's presence

a. must not question this weird rule that Parker added to the List

17\. not allowed to write falsified love letters between MJ Watson and Parker. it is a legitimate crime to impersonate someone else

18\. get down from there immediately

19\. not allowed to gift anyone with a label maker

a. must not use a label maker unless given permission to by White Tiger

20\. not allowed to ship my teammates

a. must not ship my teammates with each other

21\. not allowed to express my latent artistic abilities in sharpie on people's bodies

a. apply Rule 14

22\. not allowed to plagiarize

23\. not allowed to build anatomically detailed snowmen

24\. not allowed to ride on Powerman's shoulders unless we're in the yard because Aunt May fears we will knock over her bookshelf again

25\. not allowed to hang paintings in the house without adult supervision

a. i am not an adult

b. neither is Powerman

c. even together we don't qualify as adults

d. must not invite Principle Agent Coulson over. refer to Rule 16

26\. not allowed to use the landline to summon the Avengers. this is a restricted frequency and Captain Rogers has better things to do

27\. not allowed to practice interpretive dance movements in front of the tv when a game is on

28\. go to sleep, already

29\. not allowed to readjust my costume to better fit Darth Vader

a. especially if it's part of an impersonation effort

b. refer to Rule 17

30\. not allowed to pretend I'm allergic to Parker's nerdiness

a. nor his neediness

31\. _not allowed to do my own homework or any of the household chores_

32\. not allowed to alter the List in anyway

33\. not allowed to talk to Earthen raccoons. i am well-aware that Rocket Raccoon is not a raccoon, as well as that raccoons do not play with instruments of mass destruction, and i must not insinuate either

34\. not allowed to look at MJ like that ever again

35\. the neighbors have a tabby cat

a. it's not a Loth cat

b. it's not a Flerken

36\. not allowed to ask where the other two-thirds of White Tiger's personality are

37\. not allowed to ask how White Tiger and Ironfist aren't all over each other by now

a. refer to Rule 20

b. this does not count as a double negative and i still must not ship by teammates

38\. not allowed to wear swim trunks unless swimming soon

a. it's called "walking," not "swimming vertically"

39\. not allowed to feed White Tiger nothing but fish. she is not actually a tiger

40\. not allowed to purchase anything as expensive as a car — or a car itself — for Aunt May, because I don't technically have a credit card

41\. not allowed to insinuate that there is anything but love in my delicious homemade brownies

42\. not allowed to blame teammates for my own pranks

43\. not allowed to take credit for pranks that were not by me

44\. not allowed to eat ice cream out of the container

a. must not drink juice out of the jug or milk out of the carton

45\. not allowed to bring a trampoline inside

a. not allowed to enjoy a trampoline that has been mysteriously brought inside

46\. not allowed to falsely label sunscreen on beach day because Parker and Ironfist will burn like eggs on a sidewalk

a. refer to Rule 19

b. must use a plate if cooking eggs on a sidewalk

47\. not allowed to bestow the title of "Team Mom" to White Tiger

a. it's Ironfist and we all know that

48\. not allowed to take videos of White Tiger and upload them as Cat Videos

49\. not allowed to haze Parker. he is older in age, more familiar with the hero gig, and doing us a favor by letting us live in his house

50\. we are an operatives team affiliated with SHIELD. we are not a "boss squad"

a. yes. yes, we are

* * *

**_i thought that this would be a nice reintroduction to Ultimate Spider-Man! :)_**

**_hopefully you find this as enjoyable and unique as i do!_**


End file.
